Writing About Love.Com

The Heart Of The World

2012-02-19T00:01:00.000-08:00

I give you my heart,
Which is the heart of the world.

It was yours before I gave it to you,
Yours when you were lost,
Yours when you loved,
Yours when you cried.

I give you my heart,
Which is the heart of the world.

It is yours without my giving,
Yours when you are strong,
Yours when you are weak,
Yours awakening in you.

I give you my heart,
Which is the heart of the world.

Look!
Within your hearing,
Within your sight,
Within and without,
Everywhere,
It is the heart of the world,
And I give it to you.

~ Russ Allison Loar
© All Rights Reserved

Because You Love

2012-02-14T00:01:00.000-08:00

So worried,
About money,
About accomplishment,
About failure.

So overwhelmed,
By work,
By family,
By modern life.

Sometimes,
Late at night,
Early in the morning,
In the middle of the day,
You wonder who you are,
Why your life turned out this way,
So uneventful.

Love,
Love is all you have left,
Mad unrestrained love,
For your family,
For movie stars,
For your friends,
For total strangers,
For babies,
For dogs and cats and birds
And all living things,
Every tree and flower,
For even the sky-darkening clouds
And the rain,
The individual drops of rain
That fall on your cheek
Like tears of forgiveness,
And you realize
You are forgiven,
All is forgiven
Because you love,
And that is enough.

~ Russ Allison Loar
© All Rights Reserved

Satisfied As I Am

2012-02-12T00:01:00.000-08:00

Satisfied as I am
With the life I’ve lived,
Marriage and family,
Work and income,
Responsibilities and accomplishments,
Satisfied as I am,
Last night I dreamed.

I am a young artist
Living in a little house overlooking the ocean,
Lying awake in a moonlit room
Next to a dark-skinned girl who loves me,
Listening to the sound of the sea
While she moves her fingers across my shoulder blade,
Slows her breathing,
Then gently kisses the left side of my neck.

Satisfied as I am,
Last night I dreamed.

~ Russ Allison Loar
© All Rights Reserved

Yes

2012-02-05T00:01:00.000-08:00

Yes,
You can fall in love,
Even though it is inappropriate,
Inconvenient,
Impossible to do anything about it.

Yes,
You can fall in love,
Carry it around all day long,
Day after day,
Year after year.

Yes,
You can fall in love,
Though you may despair
Nothing will come of it,
Something already has.

Yes.

~ Russ Allison Loar
© All Rights Reserved

Yet Living Still

2012-01-29T00:01:00.000-08:00

I have awakened with joy,
Delivered from care and concern
By some undeserved grace.
It fades.

I have been torn from sleep by dread,
Weighed down with fearful expectation
By some unrelenting pessimism.
It fades.

Today,
A soft choir embraces me.

This joy arose slowly,
Crept softly,
Disguised as contentment,
Permeating my daily obligations with pangs of pleasure
Yet giving no bold announcement of the spontaneous euphoria
Now made flesh as I walk along this hillside path,
My chores accomplished and forgotten.

Though tomorrow is uncertain,
Today and tomorrow fall away,
For the blue-washed sky is brushed with colored clouds
And the leafy soil is strong-scented from this morning’s rain.

O this painted circumference,
O these careful colors and textures of thawed winter,
And here, this ancient tree,
Lightning-burned, split and scarred,
Yet living still.

~ Russ Allison Loar
© All Rights Reserved

Phantom Pain

2012-01-19T10:25:00.000-08:00

I never quite understood
The stories of amputees,
How they still felt the presence
Of a missing limb.

I never quite understood,
Until I lost you.

~ Russ Allison Loar
© All Rights Reserved

Almost Enough

2012-01-15T00:01:00.000-08:00

O circumstance,
Enemy of dreams,
Unyielding wall
That keeps us apart.

Circumstance like science
Cannot be wished away,
Will not be denied,
Only overcome by those
Who allow desire to overcome reason,
A perilous course,
Full of grave consequence.

You and I weighed such consequences
And turned away from love’s unreasoning madness,
Wounded,
Scarred,
Yet saved from eternal sorrow by the words:
I will always love you.

It's almost enough.

~ Russ Allison Loar
© All Rights Reserved

Why?

2012-01-08T00:01:00.000-08:00

Instinctively,
The first thing a loving parent
Teaches a child
Is joy.

Instinctively,
The first thing a loving child
Teaches a parent
Is joy.

Why?

~ Russ Allison Loar
© All Rights Reserved

The Hardest Part

2012-01-03T10:30:00.000-08:00

The beautiful place in my heart
I never knew was there,
Filled with the light of your love,
The blinding joy of being . . .

That is the hardest part,
Turning off the light,
Closing the door.

~ Russ Allison Loar
© All Rights Reserved

I Think Of You

2012-01-01T00:01:00.000-08:00

When I grow weary of you,
Thinking of you,
Longing for you,
Resigned to exhaustion and defeat,
I think of you.

~ Russ Allison Loar
© All Rights Reserved

Gifts Of Christmas

2011-12-22T09:54:00.001-08:00

1.

A gift,
For me?
Oh you shouldn’t have!

Is it really a selfless expression of your affection?
A gesture of love?
Or an obligation?

Is it genuine?

Does your gift reflect who you think I am?
Who you think I should be?
Perhaps it’s more about who you are,
Who you want me to think you are.

Is it an object of serious intention?
Designed to awaken?
To arouse?
To cause a reaction?
Or is it just for fun,
A playful reminder of the inner child?

Am I taking this too seriously?
Giving too much thought
To what is impersonal?
Is it merely generic?
A gift that says:
We are not close.

Did you wrap it yourself?
With your best paper?
Or was it the tail end of your least favorite roll,
Reserved for those who do not matter?

Have you actually touched this present,
Or did someone else purchase and wrap it for you?
Did it come by mail from a warehouse?

2.

Will those I love most
Disappoint me with thoughtlessness,
Or will I bask in the warmth of their intentions,
However artfully or clumsily conveyed?

Will my more slow-witted relatives
Prove true to my expectations?
Will the superior intelligence of others
Be clearly demonstrated
And make me feel stupid
For the lack of imagination my gifts reveal?

Will the ego of the gift-giver
Overshadow the generosity of the gift?
Or will the giver’s inferiority complex be manifest,
So sadly displayed by the soullessness of what is given?

Will the gift be of use, of value,
Or merely a cheap trifle soon discarded,
Donated to the local thrift shop?

Perhaps the most important gift of all will be absent,
The gift from the one I love most.

Or perhaps after all the wrapping is cleared away,
When the communal ceremony has ceased
And the gift-givers dispersed,
I will steal away to some private place
And press my lips to the gift I treasure above all,
It’s meaning so fervently constructed,
Without form.

~ Russ Allison Loar
© All Rights Reserved

Think Of Me

2011-12-18T00:01:00.000-08:00

Years from now
When your hair begins to gray,
Think of me.

Remember the sound of our laughter,
The color of my eyes,
The warmth of my hand.

Years from now
When your cheeks are wrinkled,
Think of me.

Remember my awkward mistakes,
My overzealous pronouncements,
My prayers.

Years from now
When time has washed all the hurt away,
When you no longer understand old age,
Be young and unblemished again
And think of me.

~ Russ Allison Loar
© All Rights Reserved

Contentment

2011-12-11T00:01:00.000-08:00

Now I’ve done it.

Now I’ve gone and hurt your feelings,
Just because I don’t want to pretend anymore,
Just because I want to be honest.

Now I’ve done it.

You were so much more contented with me
Pretending not to hear,
Pretending not to see,
Pretending not to know,
Lying to live and living a lie.

~ Russ Allison Loar
© All Rights Reserved

No Small Thing

2011-12-04T00:01:00.000-08:00

I have tried being realistic,
Accepting the fact
You probably do not love me,
But I fail to see the benefit
Of discarding my beautiful dream.

Some other, more possible love
May appear,
But my only choice at present
Is unrequited love
Or no love at all.

When faced with this reality
And this illusion,
I must hold on to my illusion,
For to possess a beautiful dream
Is no small thing.

~ Russ Allison Loar
© All Rights Reserved

Enshrined

2011-11-29T11:29:00.000-08:00

The light in her eyes when she sees her love
Illuminated beneath a streetlight,
Knowing their evening of romance has just begun,
Believing it has no end . . .

How quickly they come together,
So tightly embrace,
Looking deep into each other’s eyes,
A long kiss without caring who sees . . .

Their fingers entwine,
Their bodies stay close walking down the sidewalk
Into the enchanted night,
Arm in arm,
Heart in heart . . .

When I see them I think of you,
Of our eternal moments together,
Alive within me still,
Enshrined.

~ Russ Allison Loar
© All Rights Reserved

Professorial

2011-11-27T00:05:00.000-08:00

He may actually believe in philosophy,
That a systematic philosophical argument can prove God exists,
That the mysteries of the heart are susceptible to reason,
That he will awaken from distress by way of intellectual inquiry.

So much to consider as he continues his search,
Wandering through the labyrinth of postulation
So late into the night,
Alone and wide awake,
Missing her.

~ Russ Allison Loar
© All Rights Reserved

Love Is A Vibration

2011-11-26T10:21:00.000-08:00

His pocket is vibrating,
On and off all day long
With messages of love
From his eager new girlfriend,
Vibrating with urgency
On his cell phone.

But he is at work
And cannot stop.
Besides,
The words don’t matter.
The vibration is enough.

~ Russ Allison Loar
© All Rights Reserved

Smothered

2011-11-23T10:57:00.001-08:00

O my love you are constant
Yet incorporeal.
You have inhabited those I’ve loved
But their wills proved too strong,
Smothering you with petty practicalities.

~ Russ Allison Loar
© All Rights Reserved

Love Is Not Like

2011-11-20T09:01:00.000-08:00

My love is not like anything,
For “like” lacks the arrow of truth
That strikes the heart,
Sending electric pain through every synapse,
Pain that is not the love,
My love,
That is not like anything,
For “like” lacks the chemistry of truth
That spikes giddy euphoria in the brain,
Euphoria that is not the love,
The love which is the cause of effect,
The love which cannot be contained
In words.

~ Russ Allison Loar
© All Rights Reserved

Filling

2011-11-13T10:01:00.000-08:00

When at last the lover leaves intensive care,
All is a fragile balance on the edge of relapse.
One must re-learn the enjoyment of simple things:

The bitter spark from a cup of coffee,
The sweetness of sugar on the tip of the tongue,
The penetrating warmth of the sun
Shimmering through the crisp afternoon breeze,
The pleasure of another hour,
Another day,
Filling, filling, filling
That dark and dangerous place
Where love was.

~ Russ Allison Loar
© All Rights Reserved

Beautiful

2011-11-13T00:01:00.000-08:00

When we touch,
Illusion enfolds
Our naked bodies,
Erases our imperfections,
And within our bliss
We become
Beautiful.

~ Russ Allison Loar
© All Rights Reserved

In The Eyes Of A Beautiful Stranger

2011-11-06T00:01:00.000-07:00

In the eyes of a beautiful stranger
There is a kind of paradise,
A release
From a life full of things
Too familiar,
Worn out from overuse,
Exhausted by constancy.

In the eyes of a beautiful stranger
There is another life,
Different,
Fresh,
Unknown.

Ah, to awaken one morning
And not know
What the new day will bring.

~ Russ Allison Loar
© All Rights Reserved

In Winter I Scarcely Remember

2011-10-30T00:01:00.000-07:00

In winter I scarcely remember
The long and languid days of summer,
The delicate yellow dress
And how its straps fell
From your thin, sculptured shoulders,
How it melted away
From your golden body.

We were perfect together,
Naked,
Unashamed,
Bathed in sunlight,
Love and lust.

We had all day,
All summer,
And the days were long and languid,
Without end,
Without consequence,
So long ago,
Those summer days I scarcely remember.

~ Russ Allison Loar
© All Rights Reserved

Giving Up

2011-10-23T09:09:00.000-07:00

Easier to give up on love,
Forget about love,
Than to wake each morning
With an ache.

I’ll start tomorrow.

~ Russ Allison Loar
© All Rights Reserved

Animal Force

2011-10-16T00:01:00.000-07:00

There is an animal force
That moves me toward you
But I resist,
For there is no heart in it.
It is all accident,
An accident of time,
Circumstance,
Genetics.

I admit all manner of impulse
For honesty’s sake,
And for the same reason
Withdraw consent.

Conditioning and confinement,
So much to blame
For our transgressions.
We look to all available drugs
To ease what cannot be so quickly cured.

~ Russ Allison Loar
© All Rights Reserved

Exposed

2011-10-09T00:01:00.000-07:00

It's not in the words,
All the words we say to each other.
It's not in the obligations,
All the obligations we place on each other.
It's not in the memories,
All the memories we keep of each other.

It's not in the past,
Not in the future.
It's here,
In this moment,
In this embrace,
Exposed.

~ Russ Allison Loar
© All Rights Reserved

Death And Love

2011-10-07T00:01:00.000-07:00

O majestic death,
Rattling around in my bedsprings
Like an old man’s cough,
You are too easy and obvious
For poetry.

O mercurial love,
Rising in my chest
Like opening night stage fright,
You are too easy and obvious
For poetry.

Yet somehow,
After all this writing,
Death is,
Still profound,
Love is,
Still precious.

~ Russ Allison Loar
© All Rights Reserved

Love Songs

2011-10-02T09:01:00.000-07:00

You’re way too sophisticated for love songs
And roll your eyes at all the familiar phrases,
The clichéd expressions of romantic euphoria,
The saccharin melodies of longing and desolation.

It’s been a long time since you fell in love,
If ever,
The kind of falling that has no end,
No reason,
No control.

You think yourself too mature for such adolescence,
Such fairy tales.

But if you’ve loved a princess
And lost a princess,
Only the inarticulate language of a love song
Can speak to your broken heart,
And every word rings true.

~ Russ Allison Loar
© All Rights Reserved

How Soon We Let Go

2011-09-18T00:01:00.000-07:00

How soon we let go of love
For more practical pursuits.

A discarded hobby,
Love leans against a corner
Of a dark closet,
Gathering dust.

~ Russ Allison Loar
© All Rights Reserved

You Are With Me In The Dark

2011-09-11T00:01:00.000-07:00

You are with me in the dark,
Though we're many miles apart
I can see you with my heart,
You are with me in the dark.

~ Russ Allison Loar
© All Rights Reserved

The Finger Speaks

2011-09-10T14:04:00.000-07:00

~ for William Michaelian

I don’t ask the question,
Are you happy?
It seems too intrusive,
Too personal for most of my friends.
It’s a question reserved for my lover,
Used sparingly.

But of course I can tell,
Even in the e-mails of distant friends.
Joy infuses their words,
Oozes out from even the briefest missives,
Such as this morning’s message from my old friend,
An entranced grandfather,
Too encumbered to reply with more than a short explanation,
No doubt typed with a single finger:
“Baby on lap!”

~ Russ Allison Loar
~ Poet and author William Michaelian's web site
© All Rights Reserved

Enchanted Princess

2011-09-04T14:09:00.000-07:00

She is glowing
And her light penetrates me,
Fills me with unexplainable joy.

She dances playfully around my soul
And I am awakened,
Enchanted.
All is love beyond love.

She has placed a diamond in my heart.

I do not understand the blind
Who cannot see her,
Who see only another pretty girl,
An object to possess,
To label and put into some convenient category.

It weighs on her fragile heart
That anyone should expect her to live
An ordinary life,
This enchanted princess,
Surrounded by so much that is ordinary,
This enchanted princess,
So ready for the magic to begin.

~ Russ Allison Loar
© All Rights Reserved

Consequences

2011-09-04T00:01:00.000-07:00

You have not said,
I love you,
And I fear you never will.

I have not said,
I love you,
And I fear I never will.

But my greatest fear
Is that we love each other
And are too afraid of consequences to speak.

~ Russ Allison Loar
© All Rights Reserved

I Will Sing

2011-08-28T00:01:00.000-07:00

I could write about a flower,
How it embodies my soul,
The blooming,
The withering away,
Or perhaps a thermometer,
The inconstant mercury,
Any metaphorical device would do,
But not today.

Today I am flesh, blood,
A thousand thousand things.
Today
For some unnameable reason
I am happy.
No more speaking.
Today
I will sing!

~ Russ Allison Loar
© All Rights Reserved

Suburban Twilight

2011-08-21T01:07:00.000-07:00

Suburban twilight
Punctuated by porch lights,
She welcomes me home.
Her tiny, translucent dress,
Falling around her ankles.

~ Russ Allison Loar
© All Rights Reserved

This Muse

2011-08-21T00:01:00.000-07:00

When it happens,
Whatever you call it,
Love,
Lust,
Infatuation,
Temporary insanity,
This muse pushes all others aside.
She is possessive,
Demanding my full attention,
Even when I’m exhausted and trying to sleep.
She is the muse of desire and will not rest.

~ Russ Allison Loar
© All Rights Reserved

Seasons Change

2011-08-14T00:01:00.000-07:00

The long days
Filled with sunshine
Seemed eternal,
But this morning,
The rain.
It will be dark
By early afternoon.

The longing in my heart
Knows no season.

~ Russ Allison Loar
© All Rights Reserved

The Speed Of Regret

2011-08-07T00:01:00.000-07:00

I can’t quite believe
All these lovely young women
Will grow old so soon
And lose what they labored
So long to possess,
What these ravenous young men
Long to devour,
Will be devoured.

In less time than they'd guess,
In less time than they’ll know,
With the speed of regret
All the young years go.

~ Russ Allison Loar
© All Rights Reserved

I Saw Her Yesterday

2011-07-31T00:01:00.000-07:00

It’s been over long enough now,
Long enough to go through an entire day
Without the ache of memory,
The stab of loss,
Long enough.

I saw her yesterday.

I could not approach her,
Not even a passing smile,
Just a quick retreat,
Acting against every impulse of my soul,
Starting over again.

~ Russ Allison Loar
© All Rights Reserved

Drowning

2011-07-24T00:01:00.000-07:00

Drowning in love.
Worse yet,
Dry land.

~ Russ Allison Loar
© All Rights Reserved

Courting

2011-07-17T00:02:00.000-07:00

If he only knew
How hard she worked to be pretty for him,
Eagerly awaiting his arrival each morning,
Watching the parking lot through the office window,
Then walking down the hall for nothing in particular
So he would see her when he walked in,
See her long, ebony hair
Falling in graceful curls and waves over her shoulders
Across her finely sculpted collarbones,
See her all the way down
To her exquisitely proportioned pale pink toes.

It was meant to be.

She’d been on his busy, distracted mind
More and more lately,
When this morning she walked down the hall
Blurring past busy cubicles,
Fast enough to ripple her diaphanous plum and apricot dress
Just as he entered the office,
Struck by this sudden vision,
This annunciation.

Awakened by her focused, concentrated beauty
Washing over him like a wave,
He speaks,
And it all begins.

~ Russ Allison Loar
© All Rights Reserved

Still, I Seek You

2011-07-17T00:01:00.000-07:00

O my love you are a constant presence,
Yet incorporeal.
You have inhabited those I’ve loved,
Awakened when love is new,
But the petty practicalities of this world
Overwhelm and smother
And your instrument is muted.

I am human and sometimes distracted,
But I have never expelled you from my heart.
Still, I seek you,
And now and then,
You see me,
And smile.

~ Russ Allison Loar
© All Rights Reserved

Falling

2011-07-10T00:02:00.000-07:00

I pause for a moment,
Breathe deeply,
And try to consider my infatuation for you
In the cold, clear-headed light of reason,
And at last
I begin to see you as just another person.
I watch you from a distance
And see that you are not unlike others
Who come and go within my gaze
Without stirring my emotions so.

Then you see me and say hello.

I come closer and take your hand,
Look into your eyes,
And all reason disappears.

No direction,
No gravity,
No time of day,
Falling, falling, falling.

~ Russ Allison Loar
© All Rights Reserved

My Love Turns Off

2011-07-10T00:01:00.000-07:00

For Laura

My love turns off the radio
She doesn’t watch TV,
She will not listen to the news,
She doesn’t want to see
The awful things that people do,
Depraved humanity,
That’s why she’s smiling all day long,
She leaves the world to me.

~ Russ Allison Loar
© All Rights Reserved

My Love Asks Nothing

2011-07-03T00:01:00.000-07:00

My love asks nothing of you,
My love is its own reward,
And punishment.

If you do not love me
My love will leave you alone
And I will continue to feel great pleasure,
Great pain.

~ Russ Allison Loar
© All Rights Reserved

Love Is Hard

2011-06-26T00:01:00.000-07:00

Love is hard.

Sadness is easy,
You can do it all by yourself.

Love is hard.

~ Russ Allison Loar
© All Rights Reserved

That One Precious Word

2011-06-19T00:01:00.000-07:00

Dear one,
When your life is full of tears,
When love is ripped from your heart
And there is no one,
No one you can tell,
Really tell,
Know you are not alone,
For I too have cried,
I too have stumbled and fallen
When the weight of the world was too great to bear.

Dear one,
Let us join in spirit,
In recognition,
And give each other strength.

We are the wounded ones of the world
Yet we must endure,
We must hold on to that one precious word,
Hope!

~ Russ Allison Loar
© All Rights Reserved

This Flower

2011-06-12T00:01:00.000-07:00

I give you this flower,
Individual,
Containing all flowers,
Containing all my love,
Which cannot be contained.

~ Russ Allison Loar
© All Rights Reserved

Confession

2011-06-05T00:01:00.000-07:00

All the knowledge
I have so carefully gathered
For so many years,
All my opinions,
My experiences,
Achievements,
All that I am
Means so very little
Compared to the touch of your hand,
The sound of your voice,
Confessing love.

~ Russ Allison Loar
© All Rights Reserved

Put Words Away

2011-05-29T00:01:00.000-07:00

Stop,
Just for a moment
And speak to me from your heart.

I’m weary of polite conversation,
Workplace banter,
Conventional wisdom.

Walk with me outside our preordained roles
And let our words unfold.
Let us whisper love’s confessions in the dark
Then, put words away.

~ Russ Allison Loar
© All Rights Reserved

Where Will It End?

2011-05-22T00:01:00.000-07:00

You’ve learned so much,
The methods,
The craft of attracting men.

Skillfully applied color,
The revealing cut of your clothes,
The shape and fall of your hair,
Each finger,
Each toe,
Perfect.

Your scent,
The arc and pace of your walk,
The lingering glance,
Just long enough to say:
“I am full of mystery.”

How long will you keep this up?

Look at these aging frumpy women,
So unhappy with what they thought they wanted.
What have they surrendered?

Look at their disappointed, disinterested husbands,
Men who invested their lives in illusion,
Now so brazenly inattentive.

Now ask yourself,
What do you really want and what does it mean?
Where will it end?

~ Russ Allison Loar
© All Rights Reserved

If Only I Could

2011-05-15T00:01:00.000-07:00

If only I could give you the joy in my heart,
If all I had to do was place my hand on your shoulder,
Look into your eyes and smile.

If I could give you the joy in my heart
By doing these things,
Then I would come to you now,
Interrupt everything,
Announce to the world:
You, are loved!
Saying it over and over again
Until you finally believed it,
Until you finally believe it,
Until you are filled with love,
Cleansed,
Healed,
Ready to begin again.

~ Russ Allison Loar
© All Rights Reserved

What Love Is Like

2011-05-08T00:01:00.000-07:00

I am lying in a yellow field,
An endless summer day
With nothing to do,
Cradled by the gentle tugging of this earth.

I am alone,
Home is near,
A hawk soars and falls,
Someone I love
Calls.

I am running through golden stalks of wheat
As fast as I can,
My feet leave the ground,
I rise and catch the wind,
I am flying.

~ Russ Allison Loar
© All Rights Reserved

Blinding White Light

2011-05-01T00:01:00.000-07:00

This blinding white light
Is paralyzing.
I've forgotten who I am.
I don’t know what I want.
I’m filled with a wistful panging of pleasure.
I'm wracked with uncertainty.

What is right?
What is wrong?

Only in the beginning
This tempest.
Before things are settled.
Before decisions are made.

~ Russ Allison Loar
© All Rights Reserved

The Clearing

2011-04-24T00:01:00.000-07:00

Yes,
I know,
These words are not enough
To describe the longings of the heart,
To diminish the entanglements of our lives
That too often strangle our finer emotions.

These words are not enough.

We need to find our way
To a clearing in the forest,
To walk into the light with arms outstretched,
To remember.

~ Russ Allison Loar
© All Rights Reserved

I Imagine

2011-04-17T00:01:00.000-07:00

I imagine she is reading these words.
I imagine she loves me still.
I imagine she really did love me,
And so I forgive all mistakes,
For I too made so many.
I imagine she wants to be forgiven.

I imagine she has forgiven me.
I imagine she remembers the best part of me,
The best part of us.
I imagine she is learning to let small things
And hard feelings
Go.

I imagine I really did love her.
I imagine I love her still.

I imagined her then,
I imagine her now.

~ Russ Allison Loar
© All Rights Reserved

Never Far

2011-04-11T12:22:00.000-07:00

When love embraces trust,
I slowly surrender my polished persona
And show my scars,
Even those self-inflicted,
Especially those self-inflicted.

Yes,
I too am a human being,
I say.
The wounded child,
Never far from the surface.

~ Russ Allison Loar
© All Rights Reserved

The Parting

2011-04-04T00:01:00.000-07:00

And where is home?
You wonder,
When home and family fall apart
And you’re starting over again
Driving down darkened streets
That lead to this new place
You hesitate to call home,
Unpacking boxes,
Wondering what kind of logic
Will help you decide
Where old possessions should go.

You cradle a music box,
The first gift.
Too expensive,
Her mother said.
On its lid a portrait
Of two rosy-cheeked children
Sharing a single umbrella,
And you remember all the rainy days
You both walked and walked,
Just to be in motion together.

How young your hearts
In a world so dull and indifferent,
Changed for a while.
The world spreads out before you now
Like a desert,
This new world that seemed so right
In the fever of your white-hot rage,
That seems so blank,
Alone.

~ Russ Allison Loar
© All Rights Reserved

Sole Companion

2011-03-26T13:13:00.000-07:00

This little cat,
My sole companion now.
I had nearly a dozen once
When my children were children.
Some inside and tame,
Others too wild,
Strays who came for food,
Fearful,
Never close enough to pet.

Some people are dog people,
But for my family
It was always cats,
Arriving suddenly from mysterious circumstances,
Finding refuge where we lived,
An old rented house on a large lot
Next to an acre or more of vegetables,
A vacant barn.

Yes,
They’ll give you food,
The old cats would advise the passing stranger.

Not nearly as much space at the new house.
More neighbors,
Closer neighbors,
And coyotes,
Great horned owls.

One by one they died,
Some of old age,
Some before their time,
The last old lady sleeping, sleeping, sleeping,
Then still.

This little calico cat,
So sick in the city shelter,
I nursed her back,
Old man that I am with time, time, time.

She is my sole companion now,
Giving each hour of the day a purpose.
A window for the morning,
Watching the excitement of birds
Flapping on and off the feeder,
Then backyard inspection
Under my overprotective supervision,
Then inside for a snack
And a day of favorite places at favorite times
Until at last the evening.
No longer nocturnal she pulls her claws,
Curls into a circle and rests.
She chirps as I stroke her fur,
Fur like silk from my frequent reassurances
That no matter what may come,
Right now,
All is well.

This little cat,
My sole companion now,
Content to share the warmth of my bed,
The warmth of my body
Against these cold winter nights,
This little cat who contains all the cats I’ve ever known,
All the cats who’ve come,
All the cats who’ve gone.

~ Russ Allison Loar
© All Rights Reserved

A Place In Your Heart

2011-03-22T00:01:00.000-07:00

There is a place in your heart
No one has shared,
A garden filled with a solitary beauty
Only you can see.

You walk and walk,
Entranced,
Without words,
Searching,
Still hoping someone will come
Who will see what no one else has seen,
Who will know without knowing
That you are the one.

~ Russ Allison Loar
© All Rights Reserved

Madness

2011-03-14T00:01:00.000-07:00

A madness some have described it,
Yes, it feels like madness.
I’ve never wanted anything in my life
The way I want her.

Yes, it feels like madness,
Not the absence of reason,
But the defiance of reason,
For reason is here before me,
A constant voice,
Warning me:
This is impossible.

It is reason that twists the knife,
Madness that pushes the blade in deeper.

~ Russ Allison Loar
© All Rights Reserved

Today Is Her Birthday

2011-03-08T00:01:00.000-08:00

For Laura

Today is her birthday,
And each year as I grow old,
On this day I will measure
Her mark upon my soul.

~ Russ Allison Loar
© All Rights Reserved

The Things We Do

2011-03-07T00:01:00.000-08:00

The things we do when love is gone
The things we buy
The things we eat,
When love is given up,
The way we face the world
The way we speak,
When love no longer calls,
The things that must be done
The order that we seek
When love falls apart,
The road we take
The convictions we make
To shun the lure
To escape the hook,
The ugly way we look,
And feel,
When love’s no longer real.

~ Russ Allison Loar
© All Rights Reserved

An Apple Or An Orange

2011-02-28T00:01:00.000-08:00

I could not decide
Whether to buy an apple
Or an orange,
And the harder I tried
The more I realized
Just how bad I feel
About you
And me.

Just pick up one or the other,
I told myself,
Or both,
What does it matter?

I walked out of the store
With nothing.

~ Russ Allison Loar
© All Rights Reserved

The Clock Strikes Three

2011-02-21T00:17:00.000-08:00

The sound of an old clock,
The rhythm of the pendulum,
The striking of a tiny hammer
Against a metal coil.
The lonely hours after midnight.

The memory of your touch,
Warm,
Gentle, yet firm,
Hungry.
You penetrate my soul.

The clock strikes three.
I am wide awake with longing
For your fingers on my skin.

~ Russ Allison Loar
© All Rights Reserved

Home Sings

2011-02-13T00:33:00.000-08:00

Home sings
In the rattle, clang and clamor
Of kitchen song,
In the cat claw scratching
On the back porch door,
In the vacuum drone humming,
In the going,
In the coming,
In the laughter, shout and hurry,
In the fuss,
In the fury of everyday life,
Home sings
With irregular rhythms of slamming doors,
The sizzle of water in sudden streams
From faucets, showers and various machines,
Home sings
With assorted shoes on linoleum floors
Tapping out a dance of a thousand chores,
A pan in the oven bangs with the heat,
Home sings,
Phones ring,
Doors knock,
A key in the lock,
You give me a hug
And the music begins:
The refrigerator is whirring,
The cats are all purring,
Our children are playing
And my heart is saying
Listen closely
To the song life brings,
We are safe,
We are happy,
Home sings.

~ Russ Allison Loar
© All Rights Reserved

Somewhere There Is A Boy

2011-02-05T13:56:00.000-08:00

Somewhere there is a boy
Dreaming of a horse,
A horse of his own,
A chestnut stallion,
A part of his soul,
A horse he would ride
Through fields and meadows,
Through shadowed woods,
A horse he would greet each morning,
Spend all day with,
Kiss goodnight.

Somewhere there is a boy
Dreaming of horse,
A horse like the one I see here,
Standing in a muddy pen,
Looking wistfully out at me
As I walk by,
This horse,
Alone all day long,
Dreaming of a boy.

~ Russ Allison Loar
© All Rights Reserved

To Love Or Not To Love

2011-01-31T00:25:00.000-08:00

All the reasons,
Why,
Why not,
All the emotions,
Why,
Why not,
All the confusion,
Yes,
No,
All the passion,
Yes,
No,
All the talking,
All the thinking,
The wishing,
The hoping,
The anxiety,
The fear,
The lust,
The guilt,
The despair,
The depression,
The dark,
The light,
The color of the sun,
The color of the sky,
Immortality,
Death,
Resignation,
Saturation,
Obsession,
Exhaustion,
Defeat,
Mourning,
Change,
Strategy,
Luck,
Fate.

Why?
Why not?
Yes,
No,
Yes,
No,
No,
No,
Absolutely no!

Yes.

~ Russ Allison Loar
© All Rights Reserved

No Longer Young

2011-01-24T00:01:00.000-08:00

In moments of great pain
I think of you so young,
The first time our unclothed bodies touched,
Pressed and rubbed together
In the satin sea of my small bed,
A secret in my parents’ house.

It was the first time I felt
The length, the breadth, the depth,
The full measure of myself,
Alive, awake and rippling through every pore.

Look, look what time has done!
I awoke this morning,
No longer young.

~ Russ Allison Loar
© All Rights Reserved

Absence

2011-01-16T00:01:00.000-08:00

A broken heart is hard enough,
To discover you are unloved after all,
That all those words of love were false,
At best a mistake of the emotions,
At worst a manipulative lie.

A broken heart is hard enough,
But there is healing in seeing things clearly,
In forgiveness,
In forgetting.

A broken heart is hard enough,
The price love can demand,
But the absence is harder still
And does not end.

~ Russ Allison Loar
© All Rights Reserved

Rapture

2011-01-09T00:53:00.000-08:00

I could say,
You awaken something eternal in me,
The ineffable heart of God,
Resuscitated,
Pulsing through every pore,
Deafening,
Blinding,
Revelatory.

I could invent a dozen different ways
To describe how you make me feel,
How I make myself feel when I am with you.

But when we meet
I am filled with joy
And all is rapture.

~ Russ Allison Loar
© All Rights Reserved

The Phone Call

2011-01-02T01:01:00.000-08:00

You called me,
A matter of fact phone call,
A small practical matter
Which could not be misconstrued
As anything else,
Could it?

Because I was paralyzed with joy
To hear your voice
And wanted no damage to our friendship,
I could not say anything
Outside of the socially acceptable,
Even less than I might have said
If I did not love you.

After the last formality was exchanged,
The polite liturgy concluded,
I said good-bye
And waited,
But did not hear your voice.

Did you say good-bye simultaneously,
Your voice masked by mine?
Did you break the connection without saying good-bye?
I did not hear the connection break.

I stayed on the line,
Listening,
Wondering if you were listening too,
Afraid to speak,
Afraid to hang up,
So lonely in the growing dark of the evening,
Listening for the sound of breathing.

~ Russ Allison Loar
© All Rights Reserved

The Magnificent Illusion

2010-12-27T01:08:00.000-08:00

Your hand touches mine,
An accident,
And your electricity surges into me.

You say something ordinary
And look into my eyes,
Explaining,
And I am entranced,
Barely listening.

You laugh and smile
And do a hundred different things
You do every day,
All day long,
Without thinking.

But when I am with you,
Everything you do is illuminated,
Inspiring,
Divine.

O the magnificent illusion of love.

~ Russ Allison Loar
© All Rights Reserved

Whole

2010-12-19T11:22:00.000-08:00

When you touch me,
Although we are not yet lovers,
When you touch me,
Though we have not known each other long,
When you touch me,
Although you have not said “love,”
When you touch me,
When you take my hand,
Something fits.

Something that was alone,
Wandering,
Is home,
Whole.

~ Russ Allison Loar
© All Rights Reserved

When The Dream Dies

2010-12-13T01:23:00.000-08:00

All I Can Say

2010-12-05T11:26:00.000-08:00

Infatuation is easy,
The words pour from my pen.

But lonely desperate love,
Love you can’t live without,
Yet love denied,
That kind of love is hard to write down.

That’s all I can say.

~ Russ Allison Loar
© All Rights Reserved

Into The Heart

2010-11-29T10:10:00.000-08:00

When we meet,
Something awakens in her,
Something glows.
She is translucent.

Her smile comes easy and lingers.
She feels the urge to stretch and arches her back,
Tossing her long, curly black hair to one side
Of her bare, sculptured shoulders,
Flashing her dark, penetrating eyes,
Looking long and deep into mine,
Weaving her articulate fingers through the coils of her hair,
Inviting me.

She ties a blue and white scarf around her forehead
And becomes someone else,
Showing she can be beautiful in so many ways.

Her burnished olive skin filters the light
And I touch her cheek.

Something ancient and eternal now guides us
Into the heart of night.

~ Russ Allison Loar
© All Rights Reserved

Without Words

2010-11-21T01:28:00.000-08:00

I am afraid to tell you,
Afraid to say it out loud,
Afraid to write it down,
For you may not feel the same way
And my words may place a barrier between us.

Right now,
We are friends,
And whether our friendship is a beginning,
An ending,
Or something else,
I am afraid I would lose your friendship
By telling you,
By saying it out loud,
By writing it down.

When I see you today
I will smile,
I will look deep into your eyes,
I will do my best to let you know,
Without words.

~ Russ Allison Loar
© All Rights Reserved

Better

2010-11-15T01:30:00.000-08:00

The Craft

2010-11-05T09:45:00.000-07:00

You’ve learned so much about the methods,
The craft of attraction,
The skillful application of color and blush,
A certain tilt of your head combined with a certain expression,
How the light catches flecks of jade in your eyes,
The cut, curl and fall of your auburn hair,
Muscular with elasticity,
Casually filtering but not completely concealing
Your expertly-timed penetrating glance,
Lingering just long enough to send the message:
“I am full of mystery.”

Oh if he knew how much time you’ve spent on your nails,
Let alone your cuticles,
Each individual eyelash,
The selection and strategic application of scent,
Your shoes,
The golden ring with the prismatic amber glass,
The balance of accessories,
A level of detail beyond his conscious awareness.

He’s more interested in the revealing cut of your clothes,
The shape and texture of your skin,
Your similarity to the lovely young women on magazine covers,
The effectiveness of his charm,
His ability to make you laugh,
The image of himself he wants you to believe,
He wants to believe,
Verification.

You’ve learned that the magic lies beneath awareness,
In the poking and the prodding of subconscious stimuli.

I watch your performance with awe and inspiration,
Experienced enough,
Old enough now to catch a flashing glimpse of the child,
Still there,
Wondering if anyone can see the uncertainty behind the mask.

~ Russ Allison Loar
© All Rights Reserved

All I Know About Love I Leave

2010-11-02T12:31:00.000-07:00

All I know about love I leave
Outside the door to your room.
Inside, raw passion will do,
The electric feel of skin touching skin,
Wanting yet waiting,
Teasing,
Playing.

Like the blind our fingers have sight
As we move in love’s rhythms,
Tossed by the sea of night.

And all that mattered a few hours before
And all that waits outside your door
Matters no more.

~ Russ Allison Loar
© All Rights Reserved

A Language

2010-11-02T01:01:00.000-07:00

The mind says,
Listen to me, I will explain everything.

The heart says,
I understand, but my feelings are unchanged.

The mind says,
This is God and this is life,
All is explained.

The heart says,
I speak a language you do not understand,
A language without words.

~ Russ Allison Loar
© All Rights Reserved

When The Demons Take Over

2010-10-31T11:31:00.000-07:00

What do you do
When the demons take over?
Do you rant and rave,
Do you become a slave?

How clearly wrong
It all seems the next day
With your appetite sated,
Your lust abated.

What new resolutions
Do you promise to keep
As you pull yourself out
From the dark and the deep?

~ Russ Allison Loar
© All Rights Reserved

Bliss

2010-10-24T11:37:00.000-07:00

You will not let yourself fall in love,
Considering the complete impracticality of the situation.
You will be self-disciplined and wise
And never know bliss,
So brief and troublesome.

~ Russ Allison Loar
© All Rights Reserved

When The Change Comes

2010-10-18T00:01:00.000-07:00

When the change comes,
I watch the rise and fall of your chest
And feel your breath within me.

When it comes,
You run your fingers through your hair
And my fingers tremble,
Your hand becomes my hand.
You reach under the neck of your blouse
To scratch your shoulder
And I feel the bone
Beneath your skin.

When it comes,
You move restlessly in your chair,
Propping elbows on knees,
Stretching the contours of your back
And I embrace you.
I feel the tension of your ribs
Pressing against mine,
Though I sit across the room
And do not know your name.

When it comes,
I cannot stop you from leaving this room
Where I am required to stay
And listen to the words of unimportant people
Who are old and ugly
And starved for love,
Like me.

~ Russ Allison Loar
© All Rights Reserved

What Men Want

2010-10-04T08:41:00.000-07:00

When I see her
I hold myself a little tighter,
A little straighter,
Appearing more attractive,
Flexing all appropriate muscles,
Contracting all inappropriate flab,
Making myself desirable,
For she is my sweetheart heartthrob honeybunch sex machine,
And I want her,
This girlish saint whore athletic fashion model intellectual,
I want her,
Now.

I am enraptured by her thin boyish sharp-shoulder-bladed frame,
Her overexposed unashamed voluptuous fantastic flesh,
Her long short medium-length hair,
So glossy black chestnut brown honey blonde pumpkin red
Curling around straight across
Her mysterious bold naive uninhibited forbidden
Eyes of swimming pool blue
Chocolate bar brown charcoal briquette black
London fog gray emerald chameleon green banana tree hazel.

She walks toward me away not moving,
This short long-legged average height tall small woman girl,
So delicate and strong.
She sees me and smiles
And I am hers,
All over town.

~ Russ Allison Loar
© All Rights Reserved

What Is Bliss?

2010-09-27T11:46:00.000-07:00

How wide must I open my eyes?
Must I examine every aging pore?
How beautiful we look in shadows
Where imperfections yield to imagination.

What is bliss?
Not necessarily ignorance,
Just a little moonlit intoxication.

~ Russ Allison Loar
© All Rights Reserved

Anniversary

2010-09-20T14:11:00.000-07:00

What is the secret
Of your long and happy marriage?
They ask.

I stop and reflect for a moment,
Furtively glancing at my watch,
Counting down the minutes
Until I will again meet with her,
My rosy-breasted, eager young mistress.

I am too old for her,
But we both have found a momentary bliss
In the forbidden.

What is your secret?
They ask again.

My mind races to find a suitable reply.

~ Russ Allison Loar
© All Rights Reserved

The Forgotten

2010-09-13T09:59:00.000-07:00

Decisions

2010-09-06T11:48:00.000-07:00

All the hours of anticipation,
The preparations,
Imagining his face,
His eyes,
So close.

You will wear your special perfume,
The dress that reveals the curve of your breasts.
You will touch his cheek with the palm of your hand
And say,
And say,
And say?

~ Russ Allison Loar
© All Rights Reserved

What I Should Have Done

2010-08-30T01:50:00.000-07:00

I’ve said it all,
Upside down, inside out and backwards,
And all I’ve done is put all these words
Between us,
All these words
In the way,
When all I really wanted to do was hold you,
But I thought I had to explain,
Everything,
When all I should have done
And all I want to do,
Is stop all this explaining
And hold you.

~ Russ Allison Loar
© All Rights Reserved

Discarded Lovers

2010-08-23T01:51:00.000-07:00

We are discarded lovers,
Wandering the streets,
Our heads hung down,
Too discouraged to look anyone in the eye.

We try to keep busy,
Always something to do,
Another task to complete,
To cover up the absence.

~ Russ Allison Loar
© All Rights Reserved

Enthusiams

2010-08-16T11:53:00.000-07:00

When we made love
You may not have anticipated
I would write it down
And send copies out into the world.

You may have thought
It was no one else’s business.

You are right,
Of course.

But I just can’t help myself,
Love’s enthusiasms being what they are.

~ Russ Allison Loar
© All Rights Reserved

The Way Out

2010-08-11T00:56:00.000-07:00

If it is a real life you are living,
In the real world,
You are going to hit bottom once in a while.

The joy of life will vanish
And the future will look empty,
Without promise.

Yes,
It happens to me.

Love is the way out.

~ Russ Allison Loar
© All Rights Reserved

Vinegar And Oil

2010-08-02T11:57:00.000-07:00

I heard someone say,
The heart wants what the heart wants,
And it helped me understand
Why my heart hurts
Even though my mind is clear.

Love and logic
Are like vinegar and oil,
Separate,
Contradictory,
Each unwilling to yield.

I can live with contradiction,
But my broken heart?

~ Russ Allison Loar
© All Rights Reserved

Fathers And Daughters

2010-07-26T00:01:00.000-07:00

O sweet child,
Father wants you to be happy
And will buy you many pretty things
And dust your life with confectioners’ sugar
And keep the world away
For at least another day.

~ Russ Allison Loar
© All Rights Reserved

We Who Are Not Worthy

2010-07-19T12:05:00.000-07:00

We who are not worthy
Do not ask for love.
We can live without it,
Prefer living without it,
Keep ourselves busy,
So busy,
Not the least little opening
Where love could leak in.

~ Russ Allison Loar
© All Rights Reserved

Home

2010-07-12T12:00:00.000-07:00

Guardian

2010-07-09T10:29:00.000-07:00

She walks among us,
Taking physical form for a moment,
Watching.

But when I am particularly low,
When my light is flickering,
She comes closer,
Smiles into my eyes,
Deep,
And I am renewed.

Only later do I realize,
I have seen her again.

~ Russ Allison Loar
© All Rights Reserved

I Can't Explain Passion

2010-07-05T12:12:00.000-07:00